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FACES IN THE DARK: the case of confused sexuality

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It was customary that I observed the last star go to bed, but this night was different. By the time we were done with supper, somewhere in between 7 and 8, the sky opened up and watered everywhere. I climbed into bed, hoping to sleep soundly as the rain thumped the roofing sheet so hard as if to rip it open. I pulled the blanket over my head, said “the grace” and closed my eyes tightly to force sleep.

I think I might have slept for a while when I heard the phone vibrating through the bed. I had placed it on the study table that stood beside the bed and had switched it to vibration, Amie would call to wish me goodnight, and I didn’t want to miss her call. I took my head out of the blanket and tried to reach for the phone. But the table stood about 3 inches taller than I could reach by lying on the bed. I tried again and then the call ended. I slipped back into my sleeping position and begun to doze off again.

The phone rang one more time, I tried again to reach it but on a second thought decided not to be bothered. If it was Amie, I would apologize in the morning for not picking her call and she will understand. The night was too cold and I had a lot already on my mind.

Something Annie had said earlier in the day had hung on me like a misty cloud since noon. “Dee”, she said, “I think I’m not normal”. “oh Aby!”, I exclaimed, “Why do you say such things, I have told you to stop talking about yourself like that”. “Dee, is not like that, hmm, it’s just that when I am with some of my girlfriends, sometimes I feel like kissing them and feel the urge to express myself sexually to them; more like I want to do something with them, but I am afraid, you know, it’s strange. Do you think I could be gay or bisexual”?

“Well, I think that would be a quick conclusion, to simply assume you are gay because of these fantasies”. I went further to assure her that, “what you feel is normal, as part of the development from teenage into adulthood”. But somehow, I knew deep within me, I had only brushed the surface of what appears to be a very complex experience in this era. That the issue of homosexuality should enter the thinking of teenagers as a considerable option of sexuality is the most deprecatory fallacy ever entertained.

I can understand the pressure and the courage it took for her to open up to me in such manner. I can understand also the confidence she places in me as a friend. I feel privileged to bear this weight as my knowledge of it now implies. Because as it stands, upon seeing her, I could treat her better and assure her that she is perfectly normal, even if I could not explain what makes her want to kiss another girl instead of a boy.

The world as we came to meet has only two extreme divisions; male and female. And of each we either belong. There is no middle group so recognized as capable of containing its unique kind; a kind that can be reckoned with and thus embraced with perfect harmony. It is such that when the world was established that God made Adam and Eve, a male and a female, and created the natural attraction that should between them alone exists, so that by the merit of space and time they could respond to the natural stimuli of this mutual attraction; thus, a man naturally is attracted towards a woman or vice versa. Strictly in this order. But alas it isn’t so anymore.

There has been a perversion, a decay that has gone to corrupt the very nature of the acceptable order, such that it seeks to break what used to be and bring to replace it with the abominable. Thus, a man is attracted towards another man and a woman likewise to her fellow woman.

At first glance it seems accidental, like two objects colliding into each other on their natural course. As if nothing influenced it and should therefore be treated as a morally acceptable phenomenon. An intended natural mutation from what is, but should not have been, to that which it ought to have been but has not been since the beginning of time. So that this change becomes the right way of expressing human sexual affection. But this is an error mirrored or back mirrored, along both reflections, no matter the point of view, the error is thus evidently identified with the corruption of the human soul. And shows that man as a whole has allowed his fantasies to go wild, unattended.

If you feel drawn to fantasize toward your kind, as one you share the same sex with, so that you a boy, instead of the natural affection towards a girl of perfect age, seems to rather long for the company of your fellow man-boy, then that which corrupts youthful holy desires knocks at your door. You have been assigned a demon that has received only one instruction; to make you a disciple of the corrupt order. And only this, it seeks to do, by force or persuasion.

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 Each of us, at various stages of our natural development must deal with this adversary. Some meet him early, others contend with it as they get constant frustrations interacting with the opposite sex. A woman whose heart is broken many times by men seeks to find solace in her female companions, developing a longing for more intimacy and affection; the harmless beginning of the error however, there is the blessed few whose paths may not cross with it, but it wanders still, seeking whom it may devour.

It is a subtle adversary, cunning, yes, and very crafty too. It begins with an idea, a suggestion that the thought wouldn’t be bad after all. That you wouldn’t know whether you really hate it if you have not tried it before. Sometimes too, it cowardly hides behind those that we look to for approval. I for once, can relate to an incidence that happened many years ago, where a man I humbly adored and modeled, sought to lead me into partaking in the error. On the merit of grace alone I escaped to tell the story today. Traumatized by the fact that something that I hear of in very distant lands has come so close to my doorstep gaining traction with every tick and tock of the clock.

All around us we have some among us; those whose sexual orientation confuses them. Ladies who wish they could try it with their fellow ladies and see how it is. Guys who are burning with passion towards their fellow men, not knowing how to open up to them because they fear what that could lead to; possible ridicule, stigmatization or even harsh inhuman mutilation of their social image. These are the faces in the dark. Hiding, isolated from what is normal and dying without acceptance.

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But I thank providence for giving Annie the courage to open up to me. It is the first step towards what could be a redemption from this unnatural affection. That she did not cover it up and dwell upon the thoughts it suggested, but shared with me and held it to shame. For it hates shame and does not feel comfortable being exposed. And so, it dwells in the dark. It seldom speaks of himself unless in the company of those who knows its language.

And it is so because, those who hears about it offer no counsel to the victim but rather stigmatize them into living a life of misery and ridicule. This also is erroneous and is treacherously done: because it has created many who are hiding and cannot come out to be helped. They have resorted to the search for gratification instead of remedy. And thus, the tick of the clock have their souls descending deep into this bottomless pit of the error.

If you know any such as confused about who she/he is, dare not despise him or her. You can hate the sin, but the sinner, like yourself is very lovable and really needs your love. More even so as echoed that “perfect love banishes multitude of sins”.

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And as we claim to be like and in the image of God, the father of love who sees no difference between the thief and the homosexual and counts them all as those who equally deserve and needs the call of grace, we must embrace those whom we know suffer in this regard and offer help to lead them home into the arms of love. “Remembering that, we too in time past have had our conversations with the spirit of darkness”.

Now all we can do is to stretch our arms towards the faces in the dark; our friends, colleagues and associates who look at us from the dark, seeking to send us signals of the agony they have to endure each day. Be the light that shines and show the way. It is the least we could do as becoming human.


  1. James

    Great note
    I’m facing the same
    People accepting the way you are makes it easy to open up but condemnation and social stigmatization has been the norm.
    It is hard to come out.

    When they aren’t ready, I keep it to myself and I keep on falling

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